Some Advice on Advice

I was asked, "I'm very bad at taking my own advice but love helping people with their own personal issues. Does that make me a hypocrite?"

You seem to equate “advice” with helping people, but there are many other ways to help people without offering advice. And, of course quite frequently, even the best advice doesn't help at all.

(Note that I wrote “offering,” not “giving.” You offer, but they need not accept. Nor do you have to accept your own advice. You test it in your mind, or with small actions, and either follow or not, depending on the test’s outcome.)

If you like helping, try asking people what kind (if any) help they want from you. Perhaps they merely want a friendly listener. Or a pat on the back. Or a kick in the rear. Maybe they want you to clean their house. Or carry their heavy package. Maybe they just want a smile.

Stop worrying about labels like “hypocrite,” and start seeking ways to help people the way they want to be helped. Forget the advice business. As Ambrose Bierce says in The Devil’s Dictionary, “Advice is the smallest common coin.”

The Anti-Esteem Tool Kit

The self-esteem tool kit consists of tools you can use to build your self-esteem. For instance, the wishing stick (or wand) reminds you that it's okay to think about what you want, instead of always deferring to the desires of others. Or, the thinking cap reminds you that it's okay to come to your own conclusions about what's going on in the world.

These tools all help you to raise your self-esteem, but there's another tool kit, one that helps you remember to put aside certain tactics that simply help you to maintain low self-esteem. Here's some examples:

The Bully Club: Low self-esteem people often think they can feel better if they hurt other people. Sometimes they think the Courage Stick is a form of bully club, but that's a mistake.

The Blame Pointer: Low-self esteem people are often found pointing the finger of blame at others.

The Blindfold: This tool enables a person to go through life not seeing anything they don't want to see.

The Earplugs: By plugging their ears, people are able to avoid hearing anything that might make them uncomfortable. Some Earplugs replace all sound with distracting music. Some just totally deafen to all sounds. Both the Blindfold and the Earplugs counteract the positive effects of the Golden Key, a tool that allows you to open any inquiry you're puzzled about.

The Nose Clamp: This double-duty tool keeps their wearer from remembering to breathe with their Oxygen Mask. It also prevents the wearer from smelling the stink that everyone else is aware of in a situation.

The Stupid Pill: A single one of these pills drugs one's mind to counteract the effects of wearing a Thinking Cap which would otherwise have you thinking as clearly as possible.

The Last Aid Kit: - Use this to bandage your wounds after agreeing to requests you can’t fulfil because you did not use your Yes/No medallion.

Do any of these tools remind you of any politicians you know?

So, what other anti-esteem tools do you have in your tool kit?

For more on the Self-Esteem Tool Kit, get yourself a copy of More Secrets of Consulting: The Consultant's Tool Kit.

https://leanpub.com/moresecrets

Life hacks for introverts?

I was asked, "What are the best life hacks for extremely introverted people?"

Call it a hack if you like, but what helped me most in being an introvert is realizing that we (in the USA, at least) live in a society that (mistakenly) believes there’s something wrong with being an introvert.

Here’s a typical example. In Olympic diving, Greg Louganis won 4 gold medals. As he emerged from the pool after winning his fourth, the TV announcer said something like, “Isn’t that amazing. And he’s an introvert!” As if introversion somehow cripples a person so he cannot dive.

Electroencephalographi studies have shown that introversion is a physical characteristic, so introverts can be identified by their brain waves. So, if you’re an introvert, you might as well accept it. If you don't accept your introversion as being just fine, then you're like a person who thinks there’s something wrong with their genetic skin color, just because they live in a prejudiced culture.

You do live in a prejudiced culture—prejudiced against introversion— but you don’t have to internalize that (or any) societal prejudice.

Don’t listen to people who advise you how to change, unless you want to change. And, then, if you want to change your behavior in some way, try some of their “hacks.”

Take me, for example. I'm a strong, strong introvert, but my training and consulting business required me to be out interacting with lots and lots of people. Few of them suspected my introvert side because I concentrated on my people-loving side whenever I was with others. My introversion was temporarily put on the back-burner, to be brought out again when I found the opportunity to be alone.

So, if you're like me, you could try my "hack" and see how it works for you. Just don’t be down on yourself if someone else's hacks don’t work the way you wanted

You can do whatever you want, whether you’re an introvert or an extravert. Remember, personality is not destiny.

What should be my next step to becoming a better programmer?

What's your next step?

I'm guessing, but if you’re like most programmers, you’re already too involved in technical details, You may have mastered Python, Java, Ruby, C++, or a dozen other languages and platforms, but your ability to deal with other people is less than adequate.

Studies of programmers at work show that typical programmers spend 70% of the time dealing with other people. (Agile programmers may spend even more time). [See, The Psychology of Computer Programming]

- Do you ever misunderstand what you've been asked to do?

- Are you ever misunderstood when explaining what you're trying to do?

- Do you ever have fruitless arguments with your boss? With your coworkers?

- Do you ever have trouble dealing with people who are not as smart as you?

- Do you sometimes have trouble dealing with feedback about your performance?

If so, and you want to improve, perhaps you should devote some time to developing your People Skills.

At the very least, you'll learn how to solve "people problems" more efficiently, thus leaving you more time, in a better mood, to do the technical work of programming.

Next step? Take a look at this bargain bundle:

People Skills—Soft but Difficult

Get the Free “Change Your Life!” ebook

Do you want some great actionable tips and advice on how to improve your life from many top personal development experts (including me)?

You can download the free ebook “Change Your Life!: Experts Share Their Top Tips and Strategies for Reaching Your Highest Potential” by clicking the link below and signing up to the mailing list.

Click Here to Get the Ebook

There are many great personal development tips from dozens of authors and course creators. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of value from the free ebook and I’ve included my own best advice as well.

The free ebook is part of the Better You Bundles for Good promotion at the end of July. There will be dozens of courses and ebooks, worth thousands of dollars, all for one low price. If you are serious about becoming your best self, you won’t want to miss this opportunity. The Better You Bundle only lasts for 4 days so make sure you check your emails to be notified of the sale.

The best part is that 25% of the proceeds from the sale are going to support Courageous Kitchen, a charity helping refugees in Bangkok. As little as $100 per month can get a family off the streets in Thailand, so we can make a big impact with this promotion.

Here is the link for the ebook again.

Get the Ebook

Enjoy the book!

What's the most touching thing to say to a teacher?

What's the most touching thing to say to a teacher?

The question was, "What's the most touching thing to say to a teacher?" There were many fine answers, and all of them said more or less the same thing: thank your teacher for changing your life.

I agree that telling your teacher “thank you” can be touching, but in my 60+ years of teaching, it’s only the second most touching thing. So, what’s the most touching?

What touches me most is when a student teaches me something I did not know. That shows me that the student has become a contemporary, a grown-up person who will go on to teach others, part of the great chain of “paying forward.” When that happens, I know that I have succeeded in some small way of helping that student and the world in which we all live. That’s what touches me the deepest.

Moreover, in my career such learning has happened thousands of times. If I am a better teacher today, a better human being, I owe it all to my students. Thank you, students. Thank you.

See, Experiential Learning for more on how and why I learn from my students, so you, too, can be touched by what they teach you.

Challenge 9: Organizing The Grand Tour

When you stop learning, stop listening, stop looking and asking questions, always new questions, then it's time to die... - Lillian Smith

One of the most important sources of ideas for change is ideas that have already worked in a similar organization. Moreover, one of the most supportive acts you can perform is to ask someone to teach someone else what they do well. When people teach other people about what they are doing, it forces them to become aware of their own processes.

The Challenge
Your challenge is to organize a tour of your work place for other change artists. Have the people in your workplace teach the change artists "what we do well that others might want to imitate."

Experiences
1. I thought this was a silly assignment—until it paid off with a savings of about $40,000 a year in our printing operation. One of the programmers on the tour had never seen an actual high-volume printer in operation. Once she understood the way things worked, she easily changed one of our major applications so that weekly printing was significantly faster.

2. We found that their performance analyzer did things that we never imagined. We felt a bit foolish using the crude tool we had concocted, but I was proud that we didn't defend it in the face of an obviously superior product (change artist training helped with that). With more than a little help from their team, we switched tools—and, as a side benefit, no longer had to maintain our homemade kludge.

3. The effect on my group was fantastic, and that really surprised me. First they grumbled about all the trouble it would be to prepare for the tour, but then they started cleaning house. It was like when my mother comes to visit—I clean the toilets and put away things that have been laying out for months. The group did the same thing with their code and their supporting documentation. I don't know if the visitors got anything out of their visit, but they sure saw a clean operation. And—this is the best thing—it stayed clean. Actually, I do think they got something out of it, because we've been asked to give four more tours to groups where someone wants to clean house.

4. Well, we didn't learn much, and they didn't learn much, except that we do things pretty much the same way. I guess that's confirming. And I learned that they're nice people. Perhaps in the future we'll be able to help each other, and that feels good even if we don't have any specific current benefits to show.

Reference

This post is part of the series, adapted from the book, Becoming a Change Artist.

Change Artist Challenge #4: changing a relationship

Your fourth challenge will be to undertake changing a relationship. The purpose is to apply some of your learnings about congruence and conflict.

The Challenge
Choose one relationship you have with another person that's not all you would like it to be. It could be a good friend with whom there's one thing that annoys you but you've suppressed it, or something you like that you'd like more of. It could be a work associate with whom you're not on the terms you'd like to be. Again, don't start by tackling the most difficult relationship you have. If you finish changing one relationship, you are free to do another, and another..., so don't worry that it's too small.

As before, find an interested change artist, or associate, or some willing person, meet with the person and explain the change you want to make. Seek assistance in planning how to go about changing this relationship—assistance with ideas, in checking your ideas, and possibly in practicing in a role play. Then carry out your plan with the actual person.

This challenge will especially give you a chance to confront the difficulties you have in the presence of strong (or potentially strong) emotions in others. After all, you won't know in advance how the other person will respond to your attempt to change the relationship. They might cry, or go into Chaos, or get involved in a conflict with you over it, or become incongruent in a variety of ways. How will you handle yourself in those situations? Will you fail to take a risk because you anticipate one of these reactions?

Experiences

1. I decided to get to know my boss better as a person, and not just as a "boss." I asked her to lunch. She was a bit taken aback, but once we agreed it would be Dutch treat, she was okay with it. We found out that we both have a passion for softball, but play in different leagues. That gave us a lot to talk about, and since then I've given her the benefit of the doubt when she comes out with some edict I don't understand.

2. I'm responsible for upgrading all the Mac software for my department, and one of the users has been a pain in the derriere for me ever since I got this job. I decided to sit down with him and ask him how he felt about the service he'd been getting. He said that people seemed to avoid him when he had problems, and he was pleased that I'd take the time to sit down with him. I was able to show him a few things that prevented trouble, and cured some things he hadn't even bothered to complain about. He's still a pain, but just in the neck, and I can deal with it. At least it's a little higher up. (smiles)

3. I have an employee who drinks excessively. I had been avoiding the topic because I didn't really know what to do. I paid a visit to our employee assistance program, and they gave me some booklets and some coaching. Next time he came in to work drunk, I knew what to do, and didn't pretend it wasn't happening. He had to confront the impact he's having on his job, and he's now working with employee assistance. He may not solve his drinking problem, but if not, I can handle it.

4. I did this a little backward. I decided to change a relationship back to what it was before. Grace and I worked together for a couple of years, and were very good friends. Then I took a transfer to a different project and moved to another building. I guess I was feeling guilty, like I deserted her—which isn't the way a good friend should behave—so I avoided seeing her or even calling her. I decided just to go over and pay her a visit, like we used to do when we were in neighboring cubes. She wondered where I'd been, and we're back to being great friends. All "her" feelings about me "leaving" were in my imagination.

5. I'd been playing golf with our hardware salesman for a couple of years—him taking me to his country club almost every Saturday. I never felt good about it, like it was somewhat unethical. So I told him that I couldn't play with him anymore unless I paid my way. He objected, saying it wasn't costing him anything, since his company was paying for it. I told him that was the point. He said okay. Now we still play golf, but I feel a lot better about it.

6. I'd been locked in a struggle with Harmon for almost a year over which CASE tool we should use in the organization. I decided to approach him from the point of view that our conflict was only helping those reprobates who didn't want to use any CASE tool. We made a pact that we would join forces to get some CASE tool going, somewhere. We actually flipped a coin to see who would help whom. I lost, so I swallowed my pride and helped him sell his team on using the tool he liked. Once we joined forces, they were a pushover. He was going to help me sell my team on the tool I liked, but by this time I like his tool just as well—actually a little better.

Reference

Remember, these challenges are taken from my book, Becoming a Change Artist.

I've wanted to put up a cover picture, but nothing I've tried seems to work with Blogger.