Change Artist Challenge #4: changing a relationship

Your fourth challenge will be to undertake changing a relationship. The purpose is to apply some of your learnings about congruence and conflict.

The Challenge
Choose one relationship you have with another person that's not all you would like it to be. It could be a good friend with whom there's one thing that annoys you but you've suppressed it, or something you like that you'd like more of. It could be a work associate with whom you're not on the terms you'd like to be. Again, don't start by tackling the most difficult relationship you have. If you finish changing one relationship, you are free to do another, and another..., so don't worry that it's too small.

As before, find an interested change artist, or associate, or some willing person, meet with the person and explain the change you want to make. Seek assistance in planning how to go about changing this relationship—assistance with ideas, in checking your ideas, and possibly in practicing in a role play. Then carry out your plan with the actual person.

This challenge will especially give you a chance to confront the difficulties you have in the presence of strong (or potentially strong) emotions in others. After all, you won't know in advance how the other person will respond to your attempt to change the relationship. They might cry, or go into Chaos, or get involved in a conflict with you over it, or become incongruent in a variety of ways. How will you handle yourself in those situations? Will you fail to take a risk because you anticipate one of these reactions?

Experiences

1. I decided to get to know my boss better as a person, and not just as a "boss." I asked her to lunch. She was a bit taken aback, but once we agreed it would be Dutch treat, she was okay with it. We found out that we both have a passion for softball, but play in different leagues. That gave us a lot to talk about, and since then I've given her the benefit of the doubt when she comes out with some edict I don't understand.

2. I'm responsible for upgrading all the Mac software for my department, and one of the users has been a pain in the derriere for me ever since I got this job. I decided to sit down with him and ask him how he felt about the service he'd been getting. He said that people seemed to avoid him when he had problems, and he was pleased that I'd take the time to sit down with him. I was able to show him a few things that prevented trouble, and cured some things he hadn't even bothered to complain about. He's still a pain, but just in the neck, and I can deal with it. At least it's a little higher up. (smiles)

3. I have an employee who drinks excessively. I had been avoiding the topic because I didn't really know what to do. I paid a visit to our employee assistance program, and they gave me some booklets and some coaching. Next time he came in to work drunk, I knew what to do, and didn't pretend it wasn't happening. He had to confront the impact he's having on his job, and he's now working with employee assistance. He may not solve his drinking problem, but if not, I can handle it.

4. I did this a little backward. I decided to change a relationship back to what it was before. Grace and I worked together for a couple of years, and were very good friends. Then I took a transfer to a different project and moved to another building. I guess I was feeling guilty, like I deserted her—which isn't the way a good friend should behave—so I avoided seeing her or even calling her. I decided just to go over and pay her a visit, like we used to do when we were in neighboring cubes. She wondered where I'd been, and we're back to being great friends. All "her" feelings about me "leaving" were in my imagination.

5. I'd been playing golf with our hardware salesman for a couple of years—him taking me to his country club almost every Saturday. I never felt good about it, like it was somewhat unethical. So I told him that I couldn't play with him anymore unless I paid my way. He objected, saying it wasn't costing him anything, since his company was paying for it. I told him that was the point. He said okay. Now we still play golf, but I feel a lot better about it.

6. I'd been locked in a struggle with Harmon for almost a year over which CASE tool we should use in the organization. I decided to approach him from the point of view that our conflict was only helping those reprobates who didn't want to use any CASE tool. We made a pact that we would join forces to get some CASE tool going, somewhere. We actually flipped a coin to see who would help whom. I lost, so I swallowed my pride and helped him sell his team on using the tool he liked. Once we joined forces, they were a pushover. He was going to help me sell my team on the tool I liked, but by this time I like his tool just as well—actually a little better.

Reference

Remember, these challenges are taken from my book, Becoming a Change Artist.

I've wanted to put up a cover picture, but nothing I've tried seems to work with Blogger.

What is an Alcoholic?

A commenter describes his drinking habits and says they don't interfere with work. He wants to know how I define "alcoholic"?

I think he and I agree that the question turns on how your drinking affects your work, short term and long term. Since everybody's physiology is unique, I don't think the definition can depend on how much someone drinks. What would put me in the hospital (I have a severe reaction to alcohol), might just be a thirst-quencher for someone else.

One problem with this approach is that alcohol definitely tends to take the edge off one's judgment. I have dealt with a number of worker/drinkers who believe their work is not affected by their drinking--but the reason I was asked to speak with them is that their work effectiveness has been dropping noticeably, according to their managers.

I see lots of moral judging about alcohol consumption, which in turn leads to a lot of defensiveness on the part of those who enjoy drinking. For me, I don't care if your work is affected by alcohol, M&Ms, or listening to too much opera. If something is affecting your work, then that's an issue for your manager and possibly your co-workers.

If it's affecting your health (long or short term), that's your business, and perhaps the business of your family. Of course, if it's affecting your driving, then it's my business as long as we're sharing a road. I won't accept rides from people who have been drinking--or who might be otherwise impaired.

In short, I'm concerned about your alcohol habits only insofar as they affect me. It's an individual judgment, not a stereotype--but it's definitely a sterotype for lots of people, something alcoholics have to live with in today's society.

The Consultant's Money-Back Guarantee

On LinkIn, recently there was a question about what a client had to do to hire a consultant who wouldn't rip them off, just taking money for no measurable result. In my response to the question, I wrote:

I make this easy for my clients by two principles of my consulting business:

1. At the end of every consulting visit, I ask them to evaluate the worth of my contribution. If it's not worth more than they paid me, we either adjust what I'm doing or we terminate the relationship.

2. If they don't feel what I've done is worth what they've paid, they can have their money back, no questions asked. I make sure they know this up front--though I've never had to give back their money.

If a consultant doesn't give you both these things, don't hire them.

Why Give Their Money Back?

Pradeep Soundararajan wrote, in response:

While anything that any human does is a heuristic, why should a consultant want to give back the money for the client not happy with what the consultant influenced?

For instance, I go in as a Consultant to solve a problem. At the end I help the client understand that there is more investment he ought to do in order to ship the product. The client feels unhappy because he hired me thinking that I would help him ship the product with existing budget.

Maybe what I did is what other good consultants might have done, so should I return his money back because he feels disappointed?

Why? Because it's your job to satisfy the client. That's what they pay you for. If you buy a laptop from Apple or Dell or HP and when you try to use it, it doesn't work, don't you expect to get your money back? If you don't, would you ever buy a computer from Apple or Dell or HP again? So, one reason to offer a money-back guarantee is to develop future business with that client.

Another reason is to keep that client from spreading bad news about you to 16 other potential clients. (That's what people do when they feel they were cheated by a vendor. When they feel they got a good value, they tend to tell only three other people.)

The Steering Wheel and Brakes

For my consulting assignments, this guarantee acts like a combination of steering wheel and brakes. It guarantees that the client and I will pause periodically and see if we're going in the right direction. If we're not, we can use the steering wheel to change course, or in extreme cases, just apply the brakes and end the assignment.

Would you drive a car without a steering wheel and brakes? Then why would you want to take on a consulting assignment without them?

I guess maybe you wouldn't want them if all you wanted was a runaway car, one that somehow kept paying you as it careened away toward a fatal crash. If cash flow is the only reason someone is in the consulting business, I hope they hit that wall as soon as possible. People like that give my profession a bad name, and thereby hurt a great many ethical and effective consultants.

Don't get me wrong. I think money is a fine reason for being a consultant, but not if it's the only reason. I want to get paid for my work, but only if I'm actually helping people. I don't want to be a fraud.

What Is Value?

But perhaps the most important reason to offer this guarantee is to force them, and you, to think about what value means to each of you.

Pradeep goes on to say: I think such traps have to be cleared before a Consultant gets in by asking questions like, "What value means to you?" and "Can you think of things that you'd be disappointed to know at the end of this assignment?" and "Do you have insight about any kind of information that could cause you nightmares?"

Well, yes, of course you want to clear this up before you go in, but that's not always possible. People often don't know in advance what they want. They only know when they see it. Many of my clients ask for one thing when I come in, but through my consulting learn that they really wanted something else that was more valuable.

To take an extreme case, at one client, the man who invited me in to help with strategic planning learned that his alcoholism was tearing his own organization apart, and what he needed to do was fire himself and go into treatment. That wasn't what he asked for at the beginning of the assignment, but by the end, he knew that this result was far, far more valuable. I asked him if he wanted his money back (he was part owner of the company) and he said no. In fact, he wanted to pay me more--but I refused. I did my job (helping his company improve), and I earned my pay. That was enough for me.

What If Every Consultant Did This?

Pradeep then says:

Not every consultant would want to return back the money and that could be a good marketing stint or building credibility or a distinguishing factor but if every consultant does that ( which is not an easy thing ) then it might end up causing confusion of whom to pick.

Pradeep is right. It's not an easy thing. In fact, it's so unlikely that it's not worth worrying about.

But, if a lot of consultants used these principles, maybe there wouldn't be so many derogatory jokes about our profession of consulting.

Intelligence Isn't Enough

Pradeep then concludes:

An intelligent client picks an intelligent consultant and that's a heuristic, too.

Well, yes, that's certainly a heuristic, and a necessary one. But not by any means a sufficient one. Intelligence without ethics is like a biological weapon in the hands of a terrorist. Very powerful, to be sure, but you'd much rather not have it on your premises.

How Can You Recognize Alcoholism in a Service Provider?

Jeff wrote: "Do you have a specific test for that [alcoholism in service providers]? Many of the alcoholics I've known hid their problem well, at least for some period of time."

Good question, and one I couldn't answer at the time. After being placed in jeopardy with the government as a result of Provider's actions, I began to study the problem with great interest. Here are some signs I now recognize that I didn't pay attention to at the time:

Late for Appointments and Missing Deadlines

This one I definitely noticed, but didn't recognize the possible significance. I just told myself that Provider was a person who was "habitually late." Like many of the other signs, lateness could be attributed to many things besides alcoholism, so I let it pass without comment.

Depression and Mood Fluctuations

Again, I noticed this, but didn't appreciate the possible significance. I believe I thought, "Well, such providers aren't the most sparkling of personalities." Actually, my next provider proved even that assumption wrong. She's terrific.

Mistakes

Everybody makes mistakes, and I tend to be pretty generous in allowing for them. Some of Provider's mistakes were hidden, and that was my fault for not having a reasonable feedback mechanism. But I had noticed a rather higher level of mistakes than I'd like to see in a provider, and I just let it pass.

Personal Problems as Excuses for Mistakes and Lateness

Provider was never short of excuses for mistakes and lateness. Health, problems at home, "the dog ate my calendar"--he was very creative.

Choosing Lunch Dates in Drinking Places

I didn't have lunch with Accountant very often (taking lunch alone may be another sign), but looking back, I realize that he always insisted on restaurants that had a bar.

Showing Up Intoxicated

I never noticed this with Provider, but in subsequent years, I've noticed it with other service people. Whether they're alcoholics or not, this is unacceptable. For example, someone operating a power lawnmower when drinking is a risk to his life and limb--and to my entire business if he sues me for cutting off his foot while working for me.

Health Problems

Anybody can have health problems--I'm a prime example. But someone who is consistently coming down with one misery after another might be showing symptoms typical of alcoholics. Same is true for frequent injuries and accidents. But, of course, they might just be a natural klutz.

Speaking affectionately about Drinking

I should have recognized this one, for my mother was an alcoholic. She often spoke lovingly about her Southern Comfort. Provider's drink of choice was different, but he seemed to have the same love affair. Affairs, really. He loved 'em all.

Signs, not Proof

None of these signs prove that someone is an alcoholic. They could be signs of other things--other addictions or something quite innocent. But my job is not to prove some provider is an alcoholic, which can be incredibly difficult. Alcoholics are experts at denial, rationalization, dreaming up excuses, blaming others, manipulating you, or hooking into your caretaker needs. Besides, their alcoholism is none of your business.

Your Responsibility

What is your business is your business. You hire a provider to do a particular service. If they don't do that service well enough, it's your responsibility to replace them, not to make excuses for them. And especially not to fix them. Set performance criteria. Communicate those criteria. Observe performance relative to those criteria, and take action when performance doesn't measure up. Why it doesn't measure up is not your job.

I didn't do those things with Provider, so I got snagged into his drinking problem. It was his problem, but it was my responsibility to protect myself. I now do a better job of fulfilling my responsibilities as a business owner. Overall, I've protected myself not just from alcoholism, but from other problems that are not my problems.

But She's My Friend

Does this sound heartless and cold? Maybe you're good friends with your service provider? Can you treat your friends like this?

To take just one example, I had a copy editor who had trouble getting to work in a timely manner. We have flexible working hours, but I couldn't depend on her for any schedule. Turns out, she was not an alcoholic, but was depressed over her mother's death three years earlier. She tended to sleep 12 or 14 hours a day. After causing me to miss an important mailing deadline one afternoon, she said, "Oh, if you need me and I'm not here, you can just call me and wake me up."

Not my job. Not as her client. I replaced her with an editor who could wake herself up.

Then, as a friend, not a client, I helped the copy editor find a really good therapist. Just as I helped Provider fulfill his AA twelve steps. It turns out, if you want to help people with such personal problems, it's easier if you're not hiring them to do a job.